SPOILER ALERT: I don’t even know where to start. Grey’s Anatomy killed one of the only characters I thought they would NEVER kill last night. Remember when Degrassi commercials used to say Degrassi: It Goes There, well Grey’s Anatomy: IT GOES THERE AND IT RUINS YOUR LIFE. I blame Zayn from One Direction for starting this whole “abandon your most successful role in life” thing.

Pre-death:

1. There’s no way Shonda would kill Derek, right? All of these rumors are ridiculous.

2. He said “Stay here. Don’t move. Wait for me.” just like when he was going to breakup with Rose to be with Mer. Is this a good sign or bad sign?

3. Oh no, Meredith didn’t answer the phone. Did she just miss the last time could ever talk to Derek? No, no, he won’t die, remember?

4. He’s going to save Sydney from Parenthood and all these randoms and everything will be fine.

5. Why did “It’s a beautiful day to save lives” sound more like “it’s a beautiful day to die.”

6. WHY IS HE IN THE MIDDLE ON THE STREET? MOVE. NOOOOO.

During death:

7. He’s not at Grey Sloan Memorial…. He’s going to die….

8. GET THE CT SCAN! GET THE CT SCAN! GET THE CT SCAN! GET THE CT SCAN!

9. How terrible would it be to know how to save yourself and not be able to speak? #RoughTimes

10. Omg. He’s dead. He’s actually dead. I just made a joke and Derek is actually DEAD.

Post death:

11. This is NOT ok.

12. How is Meredith going to recover from this? WITHOUT CRISTINA?

13. What if this pushes Amelia to relapse?

14. Poor Zola and Bailey.

15.Did I mention this is not ok?

16. Holy flashbacks. WAS MERDER EVEN CUTER THAN I REMEMBER?

17. I’m never watching Grey’s Anatomy again.

18. Actually, I’m never watching anything Shonda does again.

19. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so upset before.

20. THIS SONG IS NOT HELPING.

21. This is the end of the world.

22. True love doesn’t exist.

23. I may never smile again.

24. Shonda ruins lives. No, TV ruins lives. I hate TV. I hate everything.

25. *Scandal starts* OK, I guess I can watch ONE more episode of a Shondaland production.

26. But I’m never going to trust anyone ever again.

The next morning:

27. I thought I was going to wake up and realize this was all a dream. It’s not.

28. I’m still sad.

29. I should not have had all of that wine. I thought it would make things better. It didn’t. Nothing will.

30. *Reads article about the best MerDer moments* Here come the tears again.

31. Is this going to make Meredith stronger? Or push her over the edge?

32. Where can I find Sandra Oh and MAKE her come back? The only way Meredith can get through this is Cristina and tequila.

33. At least MerDer’s marriage ended in a good place.

34. Maybe Meredith will be a badass, single mom and things will be OK.

35. If she dates anyone else, I will die.

36. I don’t know what to think anymore.