March 14, 2016 will go down as one of the greatest days in
reality TV American history. Bachelor Ben broke a record for the number of times someone has said ‘I love you’ to different people in a two-hour period (did he forget he was being filmed?), Chris Harrison forced a pastor to stand for three hours straight and if all that wasn’t enough, Stassi and Jax from Vanderpump Rules talked for the first time in a year and LaLa wore a fugly ponytail. Plus, I stayed up to watch the beginning of LaurBen’s press tour and the Pump Rules cast all over Bravo. I know I’m a lifesaver (fill free to put me as your write-in during the primaries). Let’s get to it…
Meeting The Parents:
I’m willing to bet a lot of money that Bach Ben has stared off into space more than any other Bachelor. Does the show provide rehab to help break this habit?
I hope Lauren and JoJo got to watch footage of Twin #2 meeting Ben’s parents to calm their nerves. If they have any aspirations other than NFL Cheerleader, they will be an upgrade.
“So, I’m kind of in love with both of them. There’s still a few things to work out.” – Ben
“No shit.” – Ben’s mom
The Bachelor should hire Ben’s mom to be a life coach during this process. She’s so supportive and judgmental at the same time.
Ben’s dad is totes Team Lauren (his eyes said it all) and Ben’s mom is totes Team JoJo (I guess she has a thing for seashells). They should have the whole fam debate Ben’s decision next Thanksgiving.
Personally, I would pick Lauren because she brought wine. However, JoJo did the whole “I’m so in love with your son and I would give up my right arm if he picked me” better.
The Final Dates:
“I love you.”
“I love you!”
“I LOVE you.”
“I love YOU.”
“I’m in love with you.”
Seriously though, Ben made his life 10x harder by reminding these women he loved them every opportunity he had. I’ll pay someone in hashbrowns to set all of Ben’s ‘I love yous’ to L-O-V-E by Ashlee Simpson. #ImTalkingBoutLooooove
However, Bach Ben did have two serious convos with his girlfriends.
“Do I have anything to worry about?” – Lauren
“Ummmmmm.” – Ben
“I love you so much.” – Lauren
“Ummmmmm.” – Ben
“Whatever happens, remember I love you. And please don’t talk to TMZ about the fantasy suite.” – Ben
“If we go into the bathroom, they won’t be able to hear us.” – Ben “Lol.” – Bachelor producers who want to get back at them for having two serious conversations at a waterfall that affects the audio quality
“Say it. Say what I need to hear.” – JoJo
“Vampire?” – Ben
“BEN!” – JoJo
“I love you.” – Ben
“But you love her too?” – JoJo
“Well, duh. That’s what I’ve been saying, woman!” – Ben
ABC should have played Hopelessly Devoted To You from Grease during this reflective montage.
Ben is praying for clarity. I imagine his prayer sounds a little like this:
“Dear God, it’s me Ben H. I have a life changing decision to make. Do I go with the safe blonde? Or the risker balayage? Also, what do I do if they ask me to go to Dancing with the Stars? Please help me find strength to give the right girl validation. Sorry about that whole adultery thing. It doesn’t count if Chris Harrison is there, right? Amen.”
This is the part where I started to binge eat Oreo pie and switch from white to red wine. Catherine Lowe felt similar stress.
First rule of the Bachelor Finale: Never be the first girl out of the helicopter.
Second rule of the Bachelor Finale: STOP the person you’re about to dump before they re-confess their love for 5 minutes.
“I love making out with you in helicopters. But I loved making out with Lauren in helicopters more.” – Ben
“Are you effing kidding me? -JoJo
Did Snapchat create the crying, smudged makeup filter for this moment?
Just when you’re about to take back every good thing you’ve said about Ben being the perfect Bachelor, he freakin’ calls Lauren’s dad and dances like he’s in a boyband when he gives him permission to marry Lauren.
“You’re my person.” – Lauren
“You’re my person!” – Ben
“If you leave me like McDreamy left Meredith, I’ll McKill you.” – What Lauren should have said
“I feel like these two are going to make it. They’re so cute.” –Me. EVERY. DAMN. YEAR. #IHateMeToo
After The Final Rose:
“In case you forgot, we kidnapped Ben’s pastor and made him stand here pretending to read the bible!” – Chris Harrison
JoJo is being way too nice to Bach Ben. She knows she’s just here to show off her boobs and make sure everyone in America knows she’s over him.
JoJo is the perfect choice for Bachelorette because:
“Sorry, Twitter didn’t react the way we hoped when we leaked pictures of you filming for The Bachelorette. But if you ditch the Xanax and play up the sex panther reputation, you can totes come to Paradise.” – Chris Harrison to Caila who is crying somewhere
Time to make LaurBen sups uncomfortable and see if they want to get married.
“We would rather get married in a more traditional setting. Live on ABC with Chris Harrison instead of my childhood pastor. Thx for coming doe!” – Ben
“It’s your job to stall because there’s still 10 minutes left for your wedding.” – Chris to Ben
“Lauren, still want to marry me?” – Ben “Sure, why not.” – Lauren
After After The Final Rose:
LaurBen played The Newlywed Game on Kimmel, and Ben knows Lauren’s middle name and Lauren almost remembered the name of his childhood pet, so these two are destined for greatness.
“Are you going to watch JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette?” – Kimmel
“Yes!” – LaurBen in unison
“This network is so effed up.” – Kimmel
The inevitable People Mag was revealed:
If I was Lauren, the only way I could get through Good Morning America and LIVE with Kelly and Michael is making Ben promise me a present every time they bring up JoJo and taking a shot every time they talk about Ben saying “I love you” to both girls.
Also, calling BS that she hasn’t watched every episode.
“What have you learned about each other?” – every TV host
“Lauren likes to sleep in.” – Ben
“And nothing (besides to name JoJo) makes me more pissed off than when you wake me up.” – Lauren
AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER (or until their PDA press tour ends).
Meanwhile, over at Sur….
Jax returns home from Hawaii and greets his loving, supportive girlfriend, Britany, the way every girl would want to be greeted.
“Are you doing the dishes? Instead of thanking you and telling you I missed you, I’m going to try to kick you out of the apartment for cleaning.” – Jax
“But I work at Hooters! And you bought me boobs! Sidenote shouldn’t you be in a jail?” – Brittany
“The judge just told me to keep my hands to myself. And I said:” – Jax
Stassi is finally moving out of Kristen’s apartment, which I think is a mistake because being Kristen’s roommate means you have a front row seat to her inevitable meltdown and free alcohol for the show.
Stassi and JoJo’s mom drinking out of champagne bottles should be a spinoff. Or at least a web series. @Andy make it happen.
Katie and Tom are the smartest people on this show. Using Lisa Vanderpump’s house for their engagement party and forgetting everything so she has to help them and give them free sangria.
Breaking News: Schwartz proves to be just as useless as ever when he can’t close an umbrella without Lisa’s help.
“OMG! Our hair is twinning!” – LaLa
“But can you freak, bitch?” – Scheana
TBH, Khloe Kardashian wore it better. Sorry ladies.
“I know we weren’t invited, but the best way to blend in is to give a drunk toast about how we were there for all of the times Katie and Tom fought!” – Kristen
“Uhhhh. Ok. If Lisa brings out a weapon, I’m using you as my shield.” – Stassi
“Wrap it up!” – LaLa def didn’t watch seasons 1 and 2 of Vanderpump Rules because she isn’t scared of Kristen
“This is about me! Remember?” – Katie
The only thing missing from the Bachelor finale (or fantasy suite dates?) is the candy necklaces everyone is rocking at this party.
“All you care about is being popular.” – Ariana
“That’s not true! I care about attention! Not popularity!” – Scheana
“I’m going to need an ally at the reunion, so let’s be friends again.” – Ariana
“Ugh thank God. I can’t afford to keep getting Botox and you keep making me cry.” – Scheana
Nothing says romance like watching LaLa and James lick each other.
Take a shot every time James thinks he’s sober because he smoked instead of drank.
“I’m not a ratchet whore” is the new “I’m not a ghetto bitch.” #IMissLauraLeigh
I never thought I would miss Scheana’s performances until I saw Tom Sandoval take the “stage” (move tables around for dancing room at Sur).
TBT to the civil convo between Stassi and Jax that lasted approximately 30 seconds before they argued about their relationship that ended three years ago.
“Everyone in a relationship, make sure you leave together and walk out slowly so we get a good shot. Oh, and Stassi and Kristen, try not to trip over each other.” – Pump Rules producers
I can’t wait for the reunion, which is THREE PARTS, and I will be seriously disappointed if at least one and ½ parts aren’t dedicated to debating whether Rachel or Ariana is a better standup comedic. This show is as good as gold. (See what I did there, Scheana?)
Watch What Happens Live:
TBH, the best part was when Lisa criticized the bartenders for putting a lime on the edge of her wine glass.
“Thank you for giving me the opportunity to film 52 episodes of reality TV a year with 30 people I cannot stand.” – Lisa
“You’re welcome!” – Andy
“If I HAD to be friends with Stassi or Brandi, I would pick Stassi because she’s more relevant right now.” – Lisa
Pump Rules AfterShow:
LaLa is STILL wearing her hair like one of Lisa’s dogs.
“You don’t talk like you’re educated.” – Scheana, girl, I don’t know if you know this but you don’t need a degree to work at Sur
Are we supposed to like LaLa? I can never tell.
“I’ll say anything you want me to because if I get fired from this show I will have no income.” Tom Schwartz to Lisa
“I want to die. And if my sunglasses go missing, I’ll kill you instead.” The general vibe of Stassi and Jax’s interview together
“God bless reality TV.” – Me