There was no better way to celebrate Memorial Day than a new episode of The Bachelorette. #Merica, am I right? Let’s get into it (and don’t worry, pictures will be included because some of these guys are just so #forgettable looking).
Kaitlyn: “I’m so excited I’m the Bachelorette. No, like I’m SO excited I’m the Bachelorette. I’M SO EXCITED AND ABC ISN’T PAYING ME TO SAY THIS AT ALL.”
*The guys drink mimosas and give America another reason to mock them*
Britt: “Mom, I didn’t get to say goodbye to the men I met for 10 seconds and I’m heartbroken. I can’t believe I wasted a shower on this.”
Brady shows up: “I love you and I think we could get a potential spinoff show if you act like you love me too.”
Group Date 1: Boxing
Kaitlyn: “I just said I’m excited again, so I hope you included that in your drinking game.”
Jared: “I’m scared for my life right now.”
#RealTalk: How much did they pay Laila Ali to do this?
Kupah: “Would it be frowned upon to ditch Kaitlyn and try to get with Laila Ali?”
Tanner: “I’m a fashion designer and I’m wearing a necklace, this is not going to go well.”
I’m 99% all of the guys let Jared win so they didn’t have to go up against Ben Z because he seriously might kill someone.
Kaitlyn: “I feel like so bad for Jared, but I’m here to make connections, and I can’t do that with someone with a concussion. I’ll probs give the group date rose to the dude who broke his nose.”
And with the first sob-story of the season, Ben Z just guaranteed he’s getting a rose. #CrushedIt
Jared: “I went to the hospital for you and if you don’t kiss me, America will judge you for it on Twitter.”
JJ: “I can’t believe I didn’t get the first one-on-one date. If I kill Clint and go instead, will Kaitlyn notice?”
Clint: “Is this underwater photo-shoot going to ruin my hair?”
Kaitlyn: “This is a true test. I can’t marry someone that doesn’t take good pics underwater.”
*Back at the mansion* Tony the Healer: “That date was not OK. Love isn’t about boxing. Love is about giving. I have a lot of love to give. If I keep talking about love, maybe everyone will stop looking at my black-eye.”
This date is boring. Even Clint looks bored.
Thank god for Tony the Healer: “I want to go on the next date to see if Kaitlyn and I connect because Britt is a great girl. Wait, what?”
Group Date 2: Stand-up Comedy
Joshua: “Wow, Amy Schumer?! I have no idea who that is.”
JJ: “I’m the greatest person ever.”
Amy Schumer: “JJ is a straight-up douche.”
Tony the Healer’s stand-up: “My name is Tony and I’m a healer.”
Joshua: “You could say I am an old cat lady.”
#RealTalk I think Tony the Healer is auditioning for Bachelor in Paradise.
JJ: “I love my daughter so much that I left her to be on TV.” *Fake crying*
Joe: “I’m a hillbilly.”
Kaitlyn to every guy after they kiss her: “Thank you. Thank you for helping me try to break Chris’ record for kissing the most people on The Bachelor.”
Every guy on the show: “JJ, you can go shave your back now.”
Ian: “I need to tell you a tragic story, so you don’t focus on my bald spot.”
Kupah is digging a hole. “I don’t want to be here if we do not have a connection. It’s been 3 days and you aren’t in love with me. I don’t want to be here. But like, you’re super hot, so I do.”
Kaitlyn: “Bye Felicia. Go home.”
Kupah: “Wait, don’t send me home, I quit my job to be here. You’re super sexy and I love you.”
And then “to be continued.” #DamnYouChrisHarrison