If the premiere of The Bachelor is any indication, 2016 is going to be the best year ever. ABC says it’s raining Ben and I say it’s raining crazies… Let’s get into the premiere of The Bachelor: Season 20. PSA: I watch this show in a onesie drinking wine.
“I’m just a normal small town guy from Indiana. But I promise my own is not as small as the farmer’s town. #Merica” – Ben introducing his town. He also made it clear that he was sups popular in high school so that’s def a bonus.
“I was in a parade, so date me.” -Ben
Ben’s intro turned into an episode of One Tree Hill when he declared that his biggest fear was being unlovable. Apparently he talked about this fear when he was on Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette, but we were all too distracted by how hot he is.
Sidenote: Ben’s parents are hot and seem normal. This is a good sign.
“I’m really nervous to date 25 people.” – actual quote from Ben. This show is genius.
OH. MY. GOD. McDonald’s all day breakfast commercial with Ben, Chris Soules, Sean and Catherine and Des and Chris. Hashbrowns and The Bachelor would totally be included on my remake of “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music. #KilledIt.
Ben gets advice from fellow Bachelors:
“Two of these guys are married and they’re totes inspiring. Then there’s the Farmer from Iowa… Why is he here?” – Ben when Chris, Sean and Jason show up totally casually.
This haircut. Tragedy. I hope whoever gave him this haircut got fired.
“Kiss every girl.” – Farmer Chris. I can’t believe he didn’t get married after this. #Lol.
While Sean and Jason actually try to give Ben advice to get through this madness, Chris just shakes his head because he remembers his season of The Bachelor ended up being a fail and he still does not know how to form a complete sentence.
Token shirtless getting dressed scene. Drink.
Who needs friends when you have friends that declare you “Mrs. Higgins” on the first episode the Bachelor? #LaurenBsFriend
Caila low key looks like Catherine Lowe and I’m low key scared that she admitted to falling in love with Ben on TV because I did the same.
*Too scared to say anything bad about Jubilee*
The twins, however, look like they belong on an episode of Girls Next Door. This is The Bachelor Mansion, not The Playboy Mansion.
Token single mother who named her kids something weird. Drink.
I don’t know what it means to be a Chicken Enthusiast, but I have one thing to say: #ChickenSheliaForBachelorette.
Aaaand the lack of transition between the chicken lady and the daughter who’s dad died from ALS is the magic of The Bachelor.
Lauren B: The Flight Attendant went for a slightly corny, but cute gift when she gave Ben wings, and Calia jumped into this arms. These ladies are classic Bach and def top two.
“She’s means business with the tape to keep her boobs on.” Apparently my mom isn’t as afraid of Jubilee as me.
Lace is such a little skeez. And Lauren admitting to stalking Ben on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Periscope, MySpace and any other media that exists was almost as uncomfortable as Lace’s lame kiss.
“Shg2589ghjhqsfjhjhajf. Wighajghw.” -Shoshanna.
JoJo: The Unicorn and Mandi: The Human Rose = True Detective Season 3.
“Who should I kill first the twins, the horse or Kaitlyn for sending me here.” – Jami after all of the crazies starting making their way into the mansion.
Token unemployed chick. Drink.
“I like gluten. And what the hell did I sign up for?” – Ben H during the entire premiere.
Token Chris Harrison jokes. Drink.
“Do you floss?” Mandi just created the best Tinder pickup line of 2016 and proved she’s the perfect subject for a Lifetime movie all in one line.
“Becca! Oh my god! The beautiful Becca! Oh and ummmmm…” Ben after he saw Becca and Amber from Chris Soules’ season rolled up in PLL funeral dresses.
Lace. Token bitch. Drink. Also the first one drunk. Double drink.
“She’s here for the drama and I’m here for the Instagram followers.” – Triple drink because Lace thinks she’s here for the right reasons.
Olivia gets the first impression rose AKA guarantees herself a spot in the top 7, but no visit from Neil Lane. She’s also gorgeous and I’m jealous.
Ben H looks like a member of NSYNC with his heartbeat move.
Will the real
LB LC please stand up? #LaurenConradDidItFirst
Token keeping the crazy girl for the ratings (Mandi). Drink.
“Cheers to all those girls you sent home! We’re so much better at hiding our crazy!” – Every girl
“WHY DIDN’T YOU LOOK AT ME! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!” – Lace who has definitely had three bottles of Pinot to herself.
“Lace you’re crazy and I low key hate this show already.” – Ben
Chris Harrison and the horse that Maegen left behind for Prez.
The red head, Breanne, the Chicken Enthusiast, Izzy, Jessica and one of the Laurens.
Top 5 Prediction:
Lauren B, Caila, JoJo, Becca and Olivia.
Just when you thought it could not get any better, The Bachelor Live premiered. The rando blonde from After Paradise is gone (#thereisaGod) and Chris Harrison is in his glory because he gets another hour to talk about
true at least a few month long love and gets to say something other than “this is the final rose.”
The lady that wrote Juno and Lauren Lapkus totally want to sleep with Ben and aren’t even hiding it. They’re pretty hilarious doe.
Little Miss Sunshine has some questions for Ben and her Skype is totally awk because she’s basically 12. (Update I googled it and she’s 19. I still see her as a pageant queen in that red one piece).
“Do the twins scare you?” The random fan calling Bachelor Live is the real MVP.
Nothing says awkward like your current fiancé and the dude that you spent time with in the fantasy suite sitting on the same couch together, right Kaitlyn, Shawn and Ben?
Kris Jenner and Farmer Chris are next week’s guests? I’m already pouring my glass of red.