The Bachelorette is back, and the twist is over. The super-wise-I’m-going-to-leave-my-job-to-find-fame-I-mean-love-on-TV men have spoken, and voted Kaitlyn (not Britt) as the next Bachelorette. Here’s how it went down (disclaimer: all of these quotes are my interpretation of what was said, because that’s all that matters).
Chris Harrison to Britt: “Well, we counted the votes. This is a show about finding a soulmate. A husband. A partner. You will never have these things.”
Britt is silent for like 20 minutes and probably thinks Chris Harrison is lying because she knows she’s prettier, and then: “OMG am I getting punk’d? I’m going to die alone. There is no other way to be a wife and mom than on ABC. My life is over!!!!”
My mom: “That poor ugly girl! No one will ever like her! How will she ever find a husband!” #Sarcasm
Chris Harrison to Kaitlyn: “I’m so sorry to tell you this, there can only be one of you, and um…… I sent Britt home. What I’m saying in the worst way possible is you are the Bachelorette.”
Kaitlyn “YES. THIS IS WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF. My husband is totally in that room!! Could it get any better than this? Oh. How’s Britt? On a scale of 1 to when Chris dumped her and she sat in the dirt, how much is she crying?”
My mom: *Eyeroll* (Watching The Bachelorette with your mom is highly recommended)
The healer cannot heal. He wanted to not shower with Britt for the rest of his life.
Joshua: “I didn’t give this to you because I wanted to wait until I knew if it was you or Britt, but I made this JUST for you.” (I’ll admit the rose was pretty cool, but that speech was bogus).
The ugly Aaron Samuels (Jared, I think) thinks being honest and telling Kaitlyn he voted for Britt is totally going to work out in his favor. Lol.
JJ: “What is your take on a guy that has a 3 year old kid… because I’ll totally ditch her if you’re not about it.”
The dentist went in for the kiss first because he’s trying to prove dentist’s can have fun too.
The Calvin Harris lookalike is #pumped it’s Kaitlyn. And he got the first impression rose! (Aka he won’t win but he will come in second or third place).
All of the guys who voted for Kaitlyn, but aren’t getting roses: “This isn’t fair! This is like the time I got picked last in gym class even though I said hi to the team captian first!”
Brady: “You’re so amazing and beautiful, but after meeting Britt for 30 seconds, I’m in love with her. Bye Felicia.”
Jonathan: “I voted for Britt, but I don’t want to be a car salesmen anymore, so now I’m team Kaitlyn. I WILL be the token black guy who makes it a few rounds this year.”
Justin aka the dude with Kylie Jenner lips: “I’m prepared to go home, it’s ok. OMG, she picked me, I’M GOING TO WIN.”
Kaitlyn: “I can’t wait to laugh at Britt at my wedding because #winning.”
David: “You did not get picked because I already forgot who you were.”
Shawn E: “No one wants to find out what an amateur sex coach is. You do not get a rose.”
Josh: “A stripper and a law student sounds like a complex relationship. Go back to the club.”
AMY SCHUMER! Kaitlyn sleeps with one of the guys pre-fantasy suite and all of the guys think she is a [bleep]! NICK- WHY- DID-YOU-MAKE-LOVE-TO-ME-IF-YOURE-NOT-IN-LOVE-WITH-ME from Andi’s season shows up! This. Is. Going. To. Be. Good.
I think the final four will be Shawn B, Chris, Ben H (software salesmen seems like one of the most normal jobs) and crazy Nick (because I can’t wait to see him get rejected in the final two again). I also think Britt and Brady will live happily ever after and get an enviable spin-off.
PS: We already miss Ryan M. And it makes SO much sense that he dated Nikki Ferrell in the past. #GirlfriendCantPickAMan #EesOk
PSS: Can the #BacheloretteBouncer get his own show, too?