The Bachelorette is back, and the twist is over. The super-wise-I’m-going-to-leave-my-job-to-find-fame-I-mean-love-on-TV men have spoken, and voted Kaitlyn (not Britt) as the next Bachelorette. Here’s how it went down (disclaimer: all of these quotes are my interpretation of what was said, because that’s all that matters).
Britt is silent for like 20 minutes and probably thinks Chris Harrison is lying because she knows she’s prettier, and then: “OMG am I getting punk’d? I’m going to die alone. There is no other way to be a wife and mom than on ABC. My life is over!!!!”
My mom: “That poor ugly girl! No one will ever like her! How will she ever find a husband!” #Sarcasm
Chris Harrison to Kaitlyn: “I’m so sorry to tell you this, there can only be one of you, and um…… I sent Britt home. What I’m saying in the worst way possible is you are the Bachelorette.”
Kaitlyn “YES. THIS IS WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF. My husband is totally in that room!! Could it get any better than this? Oh. How’s Britt? On a scale of 1 to when Chris dumped her and she sat in the dirt, how much is she crying?”
The healer cannot heal. He wanted to not shower with Britt for the rest of his life.
All of the guys who voted for Kaitlyn, but aren’t getting roses: “This isn’t fair! This is like the time I got picked last in gym class even though I said hi to the team captian first!”
Justin aka the dude with Kylie Jenner lips: “I’m prepared to go home, it’s ok. OMG, she picked me, I’M GOING TO WIN.”
AMY SCHUMER! Kaitlyn sleeps with one of the guys pre-fantasy suite and all of the guys think she is a [bleep]! NICK- WHY- DID-YOU-MAKE-LOVE-TO-ME-IF-YOURE-NOT-IN-LOVE-WITH-ME from Andi’s season shows up! This. Is. Going. To. Be. Good.
I think the final four will be Shawn B, Chris, Ben H (software salesmen seems like one of the most normal jobs) and crazy Nick (because I can’t wait to see him get rejected in the final two again). I also think Britt and Brady will live happily ever after and get an enviable spin-off.
PSS: Can the #BacheloretteBouncer get his own show, too?