On another incredible episode of Ben H’s (yes, he will always be Ben H) season of The Bachelor, we saw tears, flying balls, ugly toes and said goodbye to one of this season’s iconic
characters women. As I slide into first place in BOTH of my Bachelor leagues, let’s breakdown all of the madness:
“Olivia is totally shady. She’s a mean girl.” -Lauren B and Amanda bonding over their hatred for Olivia.
“I’m in a relationship with Ben. He might be making out with 20 other women, but its totes cool because he loves me.” – Olivia
“Getting a date with Ben would be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” says the WOMAN. WHO. WENT. TO. WAR.
One-On-One Date: Lauren B’s Plane Ride
“Come on my magic carpet ride.” -Direct quote from Ben who is surprisingly not promoting Aladdin.
For a split second I thought ABC was actually going to let Ben fly this tiny yellow plane and I almost lost my ish.
Update: I lost my ish when Lauren B THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT was scared to get into the plane.
“Let’s make them kiss with their headsets on and see how awkward it is.” – The Bachelor producers
*Cue cute, but awkward due to high winds kisses between Lauren B and Ben H*
“Now let’s make them fly over the Bachelor Mansion to tease all of the other girls. MWAHAHAHA.” -The Bachelor producers strike again
There’s a real connection with Lauren B and Ben, and she’s actually really adorable. We should just call Neil Lane now… but not before the random jacuzzi (this episode brought to you by Jacuzzi) shows up in the middle of a field.
“I know I was scared, but you make me brave. I want to be a pilot and have your babies.” – Lauren
“I’m about to tell you a sad story and if you react well, I’m totally down.” – Ben
Token free concert. Drink.
Meanwhile back at the mansion…
“I just. 3shglkshr. Amazing. Wituiohsg. Love. SFiuhs. Ben.” -Caila crying
Token crying over the Bachelor spending time with other women. ON A DATING SHOW. Drink.
“I just really want a date card. And maybe a job.” – Unemployed Rachel
Olivia and Jami are bonding. And sharing facial expression tips.
Group Date: Soccer
“Today I’m looking to see who has a good attitude and who cries when they break a nail. It’s going to be hilarious.” – Ben
Token ABC paying guest stars to be there that clearly don’t want to be. Drink.
“Do you think Alex Morgan is single? What about Kelley O’Hara?” – probably what Ben H is thinking
“I have zero ball handling skills.” “Balls flying at your face is never fun.” – Lauren H and Emily basically quoting Clueless.
“These eyebrows mean business.” -Leah
“Every time there’s a breakaway, my heart races… because these women look hot when they’re running.” – Ben
Actual picture of these women playing soccer:
“Ben! Ben! Help me!” – Rachel, one of the many girls who is “injured” during this soccer game, screams
Sending the team that lost home is slightly cruel, but seeing the girls carry Rachel into the house was totally worth it.
“Hey everybody! Look at me!” – Drink every time Olivia steals Ben away first… and be sure to buy two extra bottles of wine for next week’s episode
“Olivia has large, hairy, smelly feet.” “And cankles! Ugly, ugly cankles!” “And bad breath.” – all of the women
*5 seconds later* “Everyone’s talking about you. They basically said you’re a murder because your toes are fugly.” – Jami to Olivia
“Ugh. Perfection is like so uncool.Why can’t they just be cool?” – Olivia
Group Date Rose: Amber. Probs because Ben finally learned her name.
“I know I didn’t get the group date rose, but Ben touched my leg when he stood up, so I’m preggers with his baby.” – Olivia
One-On-One Date: Jubilee’s Spa Day
“Ben is 20 minutes late. Wtf. And I don’t like helicopters. Does anyone want my date?” -Jubilee low key kidding
“OMG. She’s so disrespectful and ungrateful. How dare she not worship the ground Ben walks on!” – all of the women
“I don’t like caviar. I like hot dogs and playing shuffleboard because I’m #classy like that.” -Jubilee
Ben and Jubs (do you think she’d mind if I called her Jubs?) have boring conversations in a hot tub. I tune them out.
*Jubilee makes a joke about white people*
“I ain’t that white!” said the Bachelor/software salesman from Indiana
“Two of my family friends died, and I’m really upset. It would mean a lot to me if you guys respected that.”- Ben, genuinely upset
“Oh my god Ben! I know your friends died, but I have cankles that we NEED to discuss! Tell me I’m pretty! Tell me my toes are pretty!” – Olivia, also genuinely upset
*Let’s go to former Bachelor Sean and Bachelorette winner JP’s take*
Jubs decides to make a move and give Ben a massage to help him relax after you know, HIS FRIENDS DIED.
“I don’t care that Ben is clearly stressed and upset! She’s evil, Ben’s mine!” – Amber, who already has a rose, getting mad about Jubilee, who also already has a rose. Makes sense.
“I’m going to go get a lipgloss.” -Becca’s only moment in the episode that started a fight on Twitter
“My tattoo says I need to love myself. Like the Justin Bieber song, ya know? So I need to leave. Bye!” – Lace
Token leaving because they know they’re not going to get a rose. Drink.
“Ben squeezed my waist when he gave me my rose. I’m now pregnant with twins.” – Olivia
Eliminated: Lace, Jami and Shoshanna
“I’m blindsided. It’s been like four days and I thought he loved me. It’s time for cats.” – Jami
Bachelor Live Highlights
Melissa Molly are still going strong.
Sorority girls that do not know how to form sentences that are not in the form of a cheer are Bachelor fans.
“I really respect your decision to work on yourself and leave the show. Now please work on yourself in front of cameras and have a breakdown on Bachelor in Paradise.” Chris Harrison to Lace who actually seems pretty chill IRL
Tune in next week to find out if Ben actually farted in the Jacuzzi with Lauren B, and see Olivia have a fake panic attack!
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