Ben and his new girlfriends are back, and they are not disappointing. FYI, I’m currently in 1st in one Bachelor fantasy league and 2nd in another. I also confessed my reality TV obsession to one of my new classes, and after being #judged, multiple people (including two guys) asked me about my frontrunner and when Lace would be eliminated.
“Cheers, ladies! Thanks to Ben potentially being interested in us, the producers thinking they can use us and the diversity quota, we have a shot at more Instagram followers!-” the remaining 22 women.
Token shirtless scene. Drink.
Group Date 1: Back To School
To remind the girls that Ben peaked in high school, Chris Harrison put on an ugly sweater vest and glasses and called himself Professor (because apparently in Indiana professors teach high school) and the cast headed to a high school set that looked like West Beverly and Bayside put together.
There was a science challenge, which reminded us that there is no way any of these girls passed chemistry and a bobbing for apples challenge that reminded us Ben is definitely here for the right reasons.
“I love seeing all of these girls really go for it… and watching them basically makeout to pass each other apples is showing me my future wife is def here.” -Ben
“These apples are red like my heart.” – actual quote by Ben and might be the only thing he’s said that ABC did not write for him.
Breaking news: none of the girls know where Indiana is on a map and Becca put it upside down. These girls are not the brainiacs we thought they were. Gasp!
“I’ve never been Homecoming Queen and I’ve always wanted to be.” – 30 year old Amber who has been out of high school for 12 years. Some dreams you just have to let go of, Ambs.
Mandi: The Human Rose took the Queen title and Amber looks heartbroken. Ben doesn’t care and is inviting all of girls to keep hanging out with him even though Mandi won.
Becca steals him away first and they have a real connection. “Becca is so sweet and nice and totally boring AF.” – Ben
No surprise that Becca does not go for the first kiss, but plot twist when small business owner Jennifer scores it.
“I’m sorry I’m so crazy, but I’m also sorry I’m not sorry because I am myself.” – Lace.
“How many weeks do I have to keep this chick?” – Ben thinks to himself while losing circulation in his hand because of Lace’s death grip.
Jubilee and Ben share a kiss, but it’s JoJo that catches this Bachelor’s eye.
“I really liked your attitude today.” – Ben says like he’s JoJo’s dad or basketball coach before they share a kiss on the rooftop. JoJo gets the group date rose, obvs.
Back at the mansion, Olivia’s jaw drops (and does not come back up) when Caila gets the first one-on-one date. Clearly girlfriend has never watched this show and doesn’t understand that her first impression rose only lasts a week.
One-On-One Date: Caila, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube
“Let’s see how many times I can say ride along to promote my new movie and see if I can get Ben laid.” – Kevin Hart
“Let’s buy condoms.” – Ice Cube
The most bizarre group of 4 go on a ride along (see what I did there… cue Ride Along 2 commercial) and Caila asks Ben hard hitting questions.
“What’s your favorite color? I like yellow.” “I like blue.” Actual conversation between Caila and Ben. #TrueLove
“I was waiting for my heart to catch up to my head.” – Caila talking about the boyfriend she dumped after she saw Ben on TV. She could not believe she met him on a plane and somehow things a reality show is more reasonable. #K
Token performance by an artist the Bachelor claims to love but definitely never listens to. Drink.
Token “I’m falling in love with Bachelor even though we’ve known each other for an hour.” Drink.
Group Date 2: Love Technologies AKA A Fake Doctor Making The Girls Feel Smelly
“We don’t know much about science. Or anything really.” – The twins who have their occupation listed as twins.
After a quick eye test to see if the girls think Sean Lowe or Ben is hotter, the “doctors” make the girls run on a treadmill and have Ben smell them. This is low key disgusting and degrading. Pat yourself on the back, Bach producers.
“She smells like flowers.She smells like flowers. She smells like sunshine. And she smells like spoiled milk.” #PoorSamantha
Breaking news: Shushanna speaks English!
“I’m incredibly confident in our relationship. Call me Mrs. Higgins.” – usually something I would make up that the delusional frontrunner would say, but something Olivia actually said.
Ben is clearly taking these “tests” the “doctors” ran very seriously and invites Olivia, who got the “highest score,” to hang out with him first. She’s getting cocky AF.
Why is Ben wearing a sweatshirt and a blazer? Did
his mom the producers leave out two wardrobe options and he got confused? #RealTalk
The mom (with the perfect hair I might add) and Ben are really hitting it off. He even understands the concept that they ended up together he would be in their lives. You go, Ben!
Aaaand then he breaks Amanda’s heart and gives Olivia the group date rose.
Olivia is the first to steal Ben away even though she already has a rose. Girl is about to secure her Bachelor villain book deal. #BoldMove *Rose Emoji*
“I had really fugly bangs, so my brother was mean to me.” – Lace trying to get sympathy from Ben
“I’m just as pretty as Caesar! We should all just stab Caesar!!!” – Lace about all of the other girls interrupting her time with Ben
Is Ben wearing Arthur George socks?
Ben is doing a really great job giving presents that production gave him to the girls. A picture that was probably printed off ABC.com for Lauren B and DYI hair barrettes for Amanda.
“Your future daddy made you a present!” – Amanda holding up the hair clips to the camera. I hope her kids are not watching this.
“Why won’t Ben talk to me?! And why don’t I understand how this show works yet?!” -Amber
Shoutout to LB for leaving even though she got a rose because #dignity.
“LB is totes going to be my Maid of Honor because she left!!!” – all of the girls
Eliminated: LB, Jackie (IDK who that is) Mandi (who was a waste of crazy) and Smelly Samantha
This week on Bachelor Live, Kris Jenner, Chris Harrison and Farmer Chris did arts & crafts, drank and continued the difficult task of identifying states. Idk if Kris Jenner agreeing to be on this show or the producers repeatedly asking Chris Soules to come and give Ben advice is more ridiculous, but I love it.
Other highlights include skypes from Jade and Tanner announcing a wedding live on ABC (JJ, Ashley S AND I, and the bartender from Bachelor in Paradise better be there) and Kaley Cuoco with her TV sis and IRL sis, former Bachelorette and current mom to be Ali and Haylie Duff having a watch party in Khloe and Lamar’s old house. #Goals.