The Bachelor Ben H: Episode 5

On this week’s episode of Sister Wives The Bachelor, the gang heads to Mexico City and I dream about Aaron Tveit (and his pelvic thrusts) being the next Bachelor. Let’s get right into it:

Opening: 

ABC I don’t know what you think you’re doing by showing an Iowa Caucus update right now. THE ONLY THING WE CARE ABOUT FROM IOWA IS FARMER CHRIS DAMMIT. I’m about to…

Ok freakout over, “Tonight on The Bachelor…”

“Mexico City is known for its fashion.” – Ben who might be gay

“Either Ben is going to propose to me or I’m going to make him.” – Olivia

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Somethings never change.

On-One-On: Amanda 

“This is like the best thing that’s ever happened to me since my first child was born.” – Amanda

“I need to work harder for time with Ben. I think I’m going to kill Amanda’s children for this date.” -Olivia

Ben decides it’s a good idea to wake up his various girlfriends in the middle of the night. It’s actually v smart considering the two months they have to pretend to love each other after the show wraps.

“My life is over.” – Does Lauren H’s mouthguard have a Twitter account yet?

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“Viva la Mexico.” – Ben every 30 seconds because ABC hasn’t written any new lines of him yet.

To continue the season of transportation, ABC has fired their helicopter guy and hired a hot air ballon company.

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“I feel like, like this is good, like, you know?” – Amanda

“Like yeah.” – Ben

IDK if this conversation about her ex-husband is sups boring or if I’m just distracted by her saying “like” every ten seconds and/or her gorgeous hair.

Amanda gets the rose despite not knowing how to hold a champagne glass correctly.

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Group Date: Spanish Class and Home Ec 101

Ben should quit his job as the Bach and work for Mexico City tourism because homeboy is pumped to be here.

“How do you say F this and F group dates in Spanish?” – Jubilee

Didn’t ABC learn enough Spanish with Juan Pablo? #EssNotOK

“Te amo and a bunch of other lovey dovey phrases in Spanish.” – Ben to EVERY girl “OMG HE JUST SAID HE LOVED ME!” – Olivia #K

“Is Olivia’s bad breath enough reason to stab her? Or should I blame it on the cankles?” – Emily

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Twin Job Update: Emily’s occupation is still “Twin,” which BTW, she should be fired from since her twin got sent home.

“While Jubilee and Olivia fight over being Ben’s cooking partner, do you want to go to the bar?” – Becca “Hell yes.” – JoJo #IShipThis

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“I’m no longer the Bachelor, I’m the Spachelor”… please see question above questioning Ben’s sexuality.

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The professional chefs judging their food are LOVING having the power here. It’s like Chris Harrison on roids.

“I love seeing you interact with other people.” Do you think Olivia would love to see Ben’s makeout sesh with Lauren B?

“Don’t give up on me…” -Jubilee

“Sorry, but I am.” – Ben

*Cut to the unlovable Jubs and unlovable Ben crying montage*

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“So it’s been 5 minutes and I’m totally over Jubilee. Wanna makeout?” – Ben to JoJo

Group Date Rose: Olivia. Bleh.

On-One-On: Lauren H

I’ve never seen a Kindergarten teacher in shorts that short. (Ugh, remember when Aaron Tveit wore short shorts in Grease: Live? Memz).

Ben trying on ponchos just brought his hotness factor down a few notches.

“Mexico City fashion week is a dream come true!” Someone needs to tell Lauren H it’s not fashion week without Kimye.

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If When this whole finding love on TV thing doesn’t work out, Ben is a shoo-in for Insta modeling.

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“I’m telling you a sad story so you give me a rose.” – Lauren H

“Why do all of you have cheating ex-boyfriends? But fine.” – Ben

Cocktail Party

*Amanda, 25, talking about her kids and her ex-husband* “I feel like I’m watching an episode of Teen Mom… you know the show on MTV… where teenagers have kids with multiple fathers and get arrested…” – Olivia

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“Stop talking or I will hit you.” – what Amanda wishes she could say but she’s actually a respectable mom

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“If I start drama, I will stay another week. Let me call my twin and rub in the fact that she’s at home and cry about Olivia.” – Emily

“Mwahahahahaha.” – Olivia

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“Can I steal you for a sec?” Detective Ben on the case after all of the girls tell him Olivia is the worst.

To be continued because Chris Harrison hates us all.

Breaking news: Bachelor Live is officially over the season and no one cares, but ASHLEY S is pregnant! The infamous Bach in Paradise alum reunited with her college boyfriend after her time on the reality shows and is expecting a boy named Onion (I assume that’s his future name).

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