1. Dakota Johnson is the new Kristen Stewart. I do not mean this as a compliment. (Seriously though, could you imagine the two of them having a conversation? Holy awkward).
2. I love rubbing my pencil all over my lips, too. #ShitNoOneDoes
3. Ana’s flannel is just like mine! Do you think she got it for $4 at the thrift store?!
4. Why is the hardware store worker hotter than Christian?
5. Is Christian’s business card the new “I’m Chuck Bass?”
6. The best part of this movie is everyone in the theater nervously laughing in unison.
7. The acting in this movie is Lifetime status.
8. Who call’s people anymore? Ana and Christian should totally snapchat.
9. More importantly, WHY DOES SHE HAVE A FLIP PHONE? This is an outrage.
10. Ana definitely cuts her own bangs. When she’s drunk.
11. I saw all of this in the previews. Were the ads better than the actual movie? (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes).
12. How did he find her at this party? Is he a stalker? Did he use the find my iPhone app? (I decided to pretend this isn’t 2002, and act like she has an iPhone because it’s distracting me).
13. If a guy stole my toast, we’d have a serious problem.
14. Every time Christian says, “Laters, baby,” a little part of me dies.
15. “Email me.” There is no chemistry between these two.
16. “It’s just beyond this door.” Is Christian talking about Narnia?
17. Christian is giving me Kanye vibes.
18. This movie just went from 0 to 60 in one quick sex scene. #MoreWinePlz
19. I like Ana’s roommate so much more than Ana. Am I supposed to?
20. Christian will BRB, Ana, he’s got to go practice When The Saints Go Marching In on the piano.
21. I just got so excited because Christian’s mom is played by the mom in the Lifetime movie about STDs and is the sister on How To Get Away With Murder.
22. Speaking of HTGAWM, I should have stayed home and watched Shonda. #ThisIsKindOfBoring
23. This movie should be called “The Dominant.”
24. “I don’t just sleep with people.” *Cue Little Too Late by JoJo*
25. “If I do stay, what would happen?” You should probably check Section 85 and Subsection 39852 in the contract, Ana.
26. I would have paid so much money to visit the set of this movie. Aca-awkward.
27. “It’s complicated.” Is Ana telling her mom what she is setting her relationship status to on Facebook?
28. I think Christian has mommy issues.
29. Did he really just braid her hair? Are they trying to make us laugh out loud?
30. Watching Christian whip Ana is sufficiently uncomfortable and not hot at all. Also they messed up by not playing Hit Me Baby One More Time by Britney Spears during these scenes.
31. Are they really going to film two more of these movies? Am I going to see them? The answer is probably to both of those questions. #NoShame #OKSomeShame
32. I’m worried that our not-so-smart/Bieber loving youth are going to sneak into this movie and take it seriously. We might all be doomed.