While Americans around the country are preoccupied with “politicians” and killer clowns, I am here to change the narrative and ask the hard hitting questions that we NEED answers to. I’m going where Anderson Cooper is too scared to go. For example, why is DJ James Kennedy crying in the new Vanderpump Rules trailer? Did he find copies of Pump Sessions in the dumpster in SUR’s back alley? Or did he just see Lala’s plastic surgery reveal? Let’s investigate all things reality TV from bravolebrities to Bachelor Nation and more.
1. The cast of Vanderpump Rules cutting out James and Lala in the cast picture on Instagram: savage or pathetic?
When the new promo for Season 5 of Vanderpump Rules dropped (premiering on my 22nd birthday because #blessed) last week, new cast photos followed. Due to the fact that half of this cast has slept with each other and as a result cannot stand each other, it was a pure joy to see all of them photographed in one epic photo. However when Kristen, Jax and Katie took to Instagram to post the promo pic, they cut out DJ James Kennedy and Lala Kent. While I cannot say I am Team Lala or DJ James (he thinks he’s the white Kanye West, I think he’s the Devil), I can’t help but wonder if the crop was epic or just sad. These two SUR employees give Pump Rules an extra dose of drama and ratchetness, and on a reality show, those things are invaluable. I think it’s time for a Lisa Vanderpump staff meeting that reminds her staff “if you don’t have anything nice to say,
post it on Instagram don’t say anything at all.”
2. Kelly Dodd: a Housewife superstar or a psycho?
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. From causing absolute chaos in Ireland by acting like a 6-year-old pulling the “is there something on your shirt?” joke to fat-shaming a fan on Instagram, I have so many feelings about Orange County’s latest housewife. Part of me is fascinated by Mrs. Dodd and her “marriage” (quotes because they were separated for two years and engaged to other people) to Michael and her ability to turn a pleasant sushi dinner into War World III. However, I think Kelly may have gone too far. It’s almost (I’m not ready to totally commit to this yet) not fun to watch her frequently diss each of her cast members where it hurts the most (Tamra and her daughter, Shannon and her husband, Heather and her finances). I will be forever grateful for Mrs. Roper-Gate, but attacking fans on social media and calling them fat pigs is tasteful on any network (except for maybe WeTV).
3.#KillAllCancer: charity or scam?
One of Kelly’s only allies is Miss Victoria L Gunvalson, and an attempt to save her reputation and friendships after the whole “Brooks lied about having cancer thing,” she has partnered with Kill All Cancer, which is a “charity” that helps cancer patients with insurance. However, unsurprisingly, it is reportedly a scam. I have tried to do my best Veronica Mars (or more appropriately Meghan King Edmonds) and investigate this situation, but killallcancer.com is no longer active and I cannot find that RIVETING commercial that Vicki filmed anywhere.
4. Vicki and Sonja: The ultimate WWHL guests or trainwrecks?
Speaking of Vicki, our OC queen was on Watch What Happens With Live with the incomparable Sonja Morgan this week. The pair DELIVERED and even gave us some insight into the infamous RHONY side character Rey. LuAnn’s mysterious ex-boyfriend who she went “only went on a few dates to like Ibiza with” (pre-TOM of course) actually hit on Vicki when the pair was out in New York last year. Paul Nassif (of Botched and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fame) was also in attendance and debatably slept with Sonja. If all of this doesn’t scream it’s time for a Real Housewives All Star season where we leave them on Scary Island, what does?
5. Pinot Grigio v Chardonnay: Who won the WWHL debate?
Another WWHL highlight this month was one Ramona Singer debating Amy Schumer, and move over Clinton and Trump, because Singer and Schumer talked about a real issue: Pinot Grigio vs Chardonnay. Singer, famous for her obsession with Pinot Grigio, came prepared for the debate dropping facts like “Chardonnay looks like piss” and “there’s no turtle time without Pinot.” Schumer fought back with digs like “I love Chardonnay so much that I just drank it through a straw instead of preparing for this debate.” One thing the duo could both agree on? They would rather be drinking than doing anything else.
6. The woman in the grocery store on Ben and Lauren: Happily Ever After?: Staged or real?
Oh, Bach Ben. I can’t go as far as to say I missed you, but I will admit seeing you back on my TV warmed my cold heart. However, in the first five minutes of your spinoff show (HOW HOW HOW is it possible that this pair is the first Bachelor couple to land a spinoff?! I DO NOT KNOW) I was reminded that you are the kind of guy who thinks it’s funny to play with a shopping cart and BUY it when you accidentally break it instead of walking away slowly. Speaking of the grocery store aka where half of your show took place, I do not believe for a SECOND that the woman who casually asked you about JoJo and then had approximately six followup questions about you feelings was not paid by production to do so. Am I angry that the show appears staged? Absolutely not. Am I angry that I did not find a way to be the girl in the store to harass you about JoJo? Yes. Did this make me turn it off to watch the endless amounts of shows on my DVR? Of course not.
7. Ben and Lauren: Happily Ever After (QUESTION MARK!): worth watching or nah?
Yes, I kept watching this “reality show” because I ain’t no quitter. It’s not a huge shock that Freeform’s idea of drama is the Twins and Lauren trying to install a toilet before Ben gets home and Lauren switching the Oreo cream for toothpaste. All this being said, the time jump from JoJo’s After The Final Rose back to the debate on whether or not to attend (a little sketchy that Bach Ben is so edger to go back to a Bachelor set, eh?) while unnecessary, was a good hook. And the preview for the rest of the season? Beautiful. Drunk Lace confronting Chad in the middle of the woods? Farmer Chris STILL eating up his fifteen minutes of fame? And most of all, Bach Ben threatening to cancel the wedding (LIVE ON ABC!) at their engagement photoshoot? There are no words besides: DVR. Season. Pass.
8. Brielle Biermann: Too Far Gone?
One party that viewers have not been tardy to this season is the bashing Brielle Biermann party. The oldest child of Kim Zolciak Biermann is under fire for her drastic new appearance… Think Kylie Jenner, but somehow trashier and without the million dollar makeup line. Understandably, Kim Is NOT ok with haters attacking her 19-year-old daughter, but I want to go a step farther and suggest that Brielle’s bigger problem is she does not know the difference between a crab cake and carrot cake. While Brielle will certainly not be the last reality tv star to put filers in her face, she might be the first to not know how to count as high as her plastic surgery bill.
9. Farrah’s new frozen yogurt company: WTF?
A sex tape, a line of sex toys and a… froyo place? Teen Mom OG’s Farrah has picked her latest business venture and it includes wearing themed Kanye West style sunglasses while hiring people to scoop frozen yogurt toppings. She not only gave the interviews in her “Froco” glasses, but she DROVE home in them. I don’t know what is harder to believe: that Farrah’s dad does not know the difference between a fridge or a freezer or that this froyo place does not have a Farrah themed sex shop in the back.
10. Kathryn: Not returning to Southern Charm or trying to get attention on social media?
I’ve said it once and I will say it again (and again and AGAIN): Kathryn Calhoun Dennis is a GIFT. There are rumors all over the internet that our favorite redhead is NOT coming back to Southern Charm for season four. T-Kath (can we make that thing?) even tweeted about not filming the show, but has since deleted the tweet giving us all hope. This show would be nothing without Kathryn yelling at T-Rav every other scene and repeatedly telling everyone else they “don’t know her! I’m hoping our girl was just trying to get more money and attention by threatening not to film… I’ll pray to the Bravo Gods. “Dear Andy Cohen, it would be cruel to give us such an epic “character” and then take her away. It’s as easy as the birds and the bees and the 1-2-3’s to get Kathryn to film.”
11. Is Keeping Up With The Kardashians ever going to return?
First things first, I’m team Kimmy. I want Kim Kardashian West to take all of the time she needs to recover from her traumatizing robbery. However, I need to know that as someone who has dedicated YEARS of my life to watching this family that I will get answers and I will get them on E!. KUWTK has postponed filming indefinitely, and this worries me because I don’t want to miss anything. I want to see every lip kit launch, every Kourtney diet change, every Corey Gamble mumble and most importantly, hear Kim’s side of the story (and TBH see North and Penelope grow up).