It’s a great tradition for reality TV shows to go camping. Think Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica, The Kardashians and that time Stephen Colletti scared KCav by pretending to be a bear on Laguna Beach. And after we were scarred from seeing Bach Ben in bright pink tights, we got another camping trip for the ages. Here’s my thoughts on Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After? (the question mark is v important)’s third episode:
1. The twins idea of camping is actually wearing their flannels instead of putting them around their waists to accessorize and to “use the poles for the tent as a stripper pole” (direct quote).
2. How are Lace and Grant still together?
3. WHY do they call After The Final Rose, “ATF?”
4. There is no way Lauren was “in tears” after she met Chad at “ATF” because he was a “good person inside.” No. Way.
5. Is Grant more upset that Chad hooked up with his ex or verbally assaulted his current fiancé in a hot tub?
6. Lace teaching the twins how to pee outside is Emmy worthy.
7. The producers planted the bear on the camp site, right?
8. “I’m a boy, I do crazy stuff. I’m wild!” K, Bach Ben.
9. If the twins live in Vegas, how have they been on every episode if the show shoots in Denver?
10. There’s an 100% chance that Farmer Chris hooks up with one (or both) of the twins, right?
11. Has Lace ever gone a day without crying?
12. “I was just trying to make people laugh.” And we love you for it, Chad.
13. “If you don’t want this moment, we will go buy you a bottle of whatever you want at the hotel.” Bach Ben is low key enabling Chad.
14. WHY DOES BEN KEEP TALKING ABOUT CHAD’S “MOMENT?” And why isn’t “A Moment Like This” by Kelly Clarkson playing?
15. I love that the producers “put the cameras down” when Ben asked them too but still used the footage. #YoureNotAProducerBen
16. This show just got too real by bringing up Chad’s mom. Way to be a buzzkill, Grant.
17. Did “Grace” really not know Chad was coming?
18. Wasted opportunity to send Chad to bed early without even showing him eat meat or protein once.
19. Ben’s toast to “hope, acceptance and love for the people that have hurt us” makes me want to vomit.
20. Seventeen messages from Ben and Lauren’s Bachelor producer/wedding planner after the camping trip? #StageFiveClinger.