I spent the last week living like an Amish person in a house in Florida with no Wifi (and yes, it was like a horror movie), but I’ve made it through the wilderness with a mild sunburn and a small case of PTSD. Anyway, there’s something things we need to discuss. Some things good, some things bad and some things Bruce Jenner’s ponytail.
1. KUWTK is back: Season 10 of Keeping Up With The Kardashians started and here’s a quick recap if you missed it: Kourtney eats,
Khloe KhloMoney still dresses like she belongs in the next Bring It On movie (on the inevitable ghetto squad), they still won’t show us North West, Kanye is controlling Kim (I assume that’s why she was jealous Khloe “gets to live life right now alone with all of her stuff”), Kris is depressed about Bruce and Bruce has better things to worry about (like what color to paint his nails). There’s also Brody who is still trying to make himself relevant and is acting like the Kardashians are Heidi and the Jenners are LC. So dramatic. All in all, Kourtney said what we were all thinking when she called French Montana a “dummy who she couldn’t hang out with anymore,” but we’re mad at her because there was no Penelope in the premiere.
2. Scott in rehab: Speaking of everyone’s favorite family, the premiere did not have enough of the Lord (could you imagine what he would have responded if he was present when Khloe profoundly declared that “long nails give me energy”). IRL, Scott Disick checked into rehab in Costa Rica a few days ago. There are some rumors that he’s out already and some rumors that Kourtney’s “really done this time.” So basically nothing is going to change and E! should give Scott a spin-off already.
3. The Royals: E! aired its first scripted show over the weekend, and it did not disappoint. The Royals, which stars Diana from Gossip Girl and is created by the dude who wrote One Tree Hill, is basically a mix of those two shows but everyone is British and real royalty (as opposed to high school royalty, sorry B). This Queen of England is basically a real housewife on a power trip, and her brother-in-law is trying to go all Dan Scott and kill his brother to get the crown. There’s also a chick that looks just like Kaitlyn from The Bachelor and a super hot prince, so I’d check it out.
4. Baby James: Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds finally revealed the name of their firstborn. It’s James, which would be totally normal if if wasn’t, you know, A GIRL. I don’t know if Serena van der Woodsen was not smart enough to realize she had a daughter and not a son when she signed the birth certificate, but whatever, they should just call her Jamie and promise to never let her get a pixie cut or wear a jersey of any kind.
5. Lena on Scandal: Lena Dunham guest starred on Scandal this week, and confused everyone because we totally forgot she was even an actor (I consider what she does on Girls just a dramatic version of how she is in real life). Her character wore a hideous wig and wrote a book about all of the dudes she slept with, so I still wouldn’t call it acting. It was super fun to watch her die though.
6. #BigReveAl: PLL is still trying to make A happen, and even got the cast of Dancing with the Stars and Tori Spelling to act like they cared. At this point, I’m thinking A should just be Oprah or Obama, and the show should call it a day.
7. MerDer: After what felt like an eternity, McDreamy finally made a return to Grey’s Anatomy and basically admitted he cheated (or wanted to) on Meredith. We have to wait until next week to find out what really happened, but if I was Meredith, I would cut off his pretty hair in his sleep. Seriously though, these two better work it out because I didn’t watch 11 seasons of a show to have them break-up.
8. Sweatpants: Eva Mendes, who isn’t married, but has a child with Ryan Gosling, decided sweatpants are the #1 cause of divorce. That’s cool and all Eva, but clearly you’ve never known true happiness (aka Netflix, sweatpants and Ben & Jerrys). Also, maybe next time you should actually be married before you comment on divorce rates, and have a little more confidence in your relationship (although we don’t blame you, I’m sure you’re rooting for Noah and Allie from The Notebook to get together IRL again, too).
9. Connie and Lauren: Tami Taylor and Lorelai Gilmore used to be roommates, and have decided to become the new queens of TBT and birthday shoutouts. Clear eyes, full hearts, do they need a third BFF?
10. DJ Jon Gosselin: I’m pretty sure this picture speaks for itself. Do you think his stage name is Jon Minus Kate and his setlist is Plus 8? His kids must be so proud. Or confused about why daddy would rather go to clubs and play with CDs than hang out with his kids.
11. Zayn Says Goodbye To Tour: Zayn Malik from One Direction let their tour because of “stress.” In other words, Zayn is like Kim K when she lost her diamond earrings in the ocean and no one in the band was tough enough to pull a Kourtney and explain “there’s like, people dying.” No one knows if this is the beginning of the end of 1D or just a hiccup in their road to an inevitable Lifetime Movie and Where Are They Now series, but naturally, Directoners everywhere are freaking out.
12. The Hills and Greek reunion: The male leads of two of the greatest shows of all time, The Hills and Greek, reunited and acted like girls and posed for Insta pics. Spencer Pratt was actually invited to Brody, Sleazy T, Doug and Frankie’s hangout sesh, and by the looks of it, these five are still just as moronic as ever. I’m sure they planned there next BBQ and wondered why Lauren Conrad become more famous than all of them. As for the boys of Greek, Rusty, Evan, Calvin and Cappie got together to plan the formal and decided on a “Drink Until We Forget Our Show Was On ABC Family” theme.
13. Gossip Girl back on TV: Chuck gets a show! Nate gets a show! And Penn gets a million questions about what it was like to make-out with Blake Lively! Shortly after news broke that both Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford were cast in new pilots, Penn Badgley visited Watch What Happens Live and got to answer 97386519 about Gossip Girl. Highlights include Penn calling Blake his best (when they were dating) and worst (post- breakup) onscreen kiss and hating on his Dan is GG storyline.
14. Kimmy Schmidt: Only Tina Fey could take a cult and kidnapping story and turn it into a light-hearted and hilarious sitcom, but hey, it works. The new Netflix comedy, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, stars Ellie Kemper and is making an impression on Tumblr dashboards everywhere.
15. Georgia State coach: #MarchMadness started this week, and it didn’t take long for the first Gif-able moment! The Georgia State coach got a little too excited when his team pulled off an upset, but we can’t blame him, we act like this when we see Chipotle was generous with the guac portion or when we find out our parents blamed the wrong kid for all of the iTunes purchases.
16. Paper Towns trailer: Kendall Jenner’s BFF Cara Delevingne decided to become and actress, and for some reason, John Green let her. The new adaptation of his book does look good though, and I think it’s about time for another teen movie that will make everyone ages 13-23 feel like a failure.
17. Gigi + Cocaine: Speaking off young and rich supermodels, we have to talk about the video of Gigi Hadid doing coke on Spring Break. Now, we shouldn’t assume the worst, because it’s very possible that she’s just smelling the table or taking a quick nap. Standing up. Next to a DJ booth. Gigi has denied the rumors and even tweeted #HugsNotDrugs, so you know she’s super serious.
18. Bradley Cooper is single: Suki (no, not the cook from Gilmore Girls) Waterhouse and Bradley Cooper called it quits, and I have a feeling it’s because Suki saw Bradley with that plastic baby in American Sniper and decided he was not father material. Oh well. This means there’s still a chance JLaw and Bradley will hookup and have beautiful babies after the film their 29757074 movie together.
19. Frozen: In addition to a Frozen sequel being announced, the movie’s star Idina Menzel channeled her inner Elsa and dyed her hair blonde. I don’t know if she did this to try and pick up Frozen obsessed dads or if it’s just a coincidence, but either way, I approve. Also happening in Frozen news, the movie’s biggest fan is North West, and she’s refusing to let go her Frozen suitcase.