The Kids Choice Awards and iHeartRadio Music Awards took place over the weekend, and there’s a good chance you didn’t watch because it’s not the Oscars and you have a life, so I watched for you. Here’s what you missed:

1. Nick Jonas hosted the KCAs and screamed into a microphone for 2 hours trying to be funny (he should stick to looking pretty). His brother Joe also made an appearance and reminded us why Nick is the famous JoBro now.

2. The boy in Modern Family looks like he’s 27 all of the sudden. The cast also got slimed and Sarah Hyland looked like she was going to punch a bitch.

3. It’s a tease that Tia from Sister, Sister showed up and didn’t announce a reunion movie.

4. The cast of Austin & Ally, which I’m proud to say I’ve never heard of,  acted like they won Best Picture at the Academy Awards.

5. Nick Cannon looked like he was wearing a prison jumpsuit, and made everyone Team Mariah for the first time since the split announcement.

6. Suri Cruise and Shiloh & Zarah Jolie-Pitt looked like they were having the time of their lives, and even made North West jealous (I assume).

7. Paul Blart: Mall Cop made an appearance at both the KCAs and the iHeartRadio Awards and was the opposite of funny. #MoviesThatDidntNeedSequels

8. Adam Sandler slimed Olaf and it was not cool. What if he melted?

9. Liam Hemsworth got a 90s boy haircut and looked like he should be a Backstreet Boy.

10. Emma Stone needs Taylor Swift to teach her the “OMG! I’m so excited I won” face because she looked like she would rather be anywhere but there.

11. Dance Moms won Favorite Reality Show and I’m pretty sure it’s because Abby Lee Miller bullied Nickelodeon until they gave her the blimp.

12. Justin Timberlake and Angelina Jolie both gave speeches about “being different.” They both had great messages, but I hope they both know that hearing how great it is to be different from BEAUTIFUL MILLIONAIRES means nothing to us little people.

13. Jennifer Hudson and Iggy Azalea performed “Trouble” at both award shows, and the KCA version vs the iHeartRadio version was like when you’re watching an R rated movie with your friends vs when your parents walk in during the same movie and a sex scene comes out of nowhere. #AwkTimes

15. Jamie Foxx was an interesting host choice, and I thought his Marvin Gaye joke– “Give it up for the legends tonight — Marvin Gaye! Marvin Gaye had an incredible year this year” — was on point… But I have mixed feelings about his Bruce Jenner joke because Kylie Jenner was in the audience and the camera didn’t pan to her. #JK #TeamBruiser

16. Nick Jonas is back and I want to know how to get a job as the person who puts chains on him.

17. The random dudes (who just won best R&B song against Beyonce and Chris Brown) in bucket hats are lucky Kanye isn’t here. They’re also lucky Chris Brown is a wimp in purple hair a la Nicole  Richie now.

18. JT made fun of Taylor Swift’s award show reaction face, and then T Swift took the joke too far when she channeled her Britney Spears going after the paparazzi with an umbrella. #Typical

19. Meghan Trainor played it safe and started planning her career as a sailor just in case she turns out to just be a one-hit-wonder and people aren’t all about her bass anymore.

20. Kelly Clarkson looked like a grandma and needs a new stylist ASAP Rocky.

21. Rihanna, I don’t appreciate you calling me a bitch repeatedly and I don’t have your money. Also why do you need money? You’re rich? Is it to buy a new outfit because those boots are hideous? Are you trying to look like a monster in that jacket?

22. Did Jason Aldean’s ex-wife set the stage on fire during his performance because he’s parading around with his new wife/ old mistress?

23. 5 Seconds of Summer apparently has enough fans to be consider an army even though they wear guyliner and look like this.

24. I forgot Taylor Swift could play guitar and that Madonna could give a performance where she didn’t dance and look like a stripper.

25. Ah, I take it back. Madonna just stood up and does indeed look like a stripper. Also when did she become T. Swift’s new bestie anyway?

26. Iggy Azalea clearly doesn’t know who Brantley Gilbert is and she has no poker face. She’s probably mad she didn’t win the “Renegade” award even after she got her boobs done. #WhoDat #WhoDat

27. I forgot Jamie Foxx could sing and his performance had me wondering: What Does Joey Potter think? (Foxx is rumored to be dating Katie Holmes).

28. Left Shark and Steve Sanders should get their own reality show.

29. I think the dude from Fun pulled a Zayn.

30. It wouldn’t be an award show weekend without Taylor dancing in the crowd. I think her and Snoop Dogg def hooked up after the show, too.

It was just announced that Chrissy Teigen was hosting the Billboard Music Awards in May, and the MTV Movie Awards hit the small screen in April, so stay tuned for more recaps to come. XOXO, Gossip Girl

Gifs and pics: http://www.tumblr.com.